5 Unexpected Things You Learn Working At The Titty Bar
There’s been much chatter in the cloud lately about the Only Fans Girls, but hawking spicy pictures on the internet is just the newest evolution of the world’s oldest profession.
Before I became a dancer, I too had my own preconceived notions about the industry that were quickly shattered after a few months of polecatting. Here’s a few notable ones you should be aware of if you, too, are intrigued by what it’s really like on the other side of the stage.
5. You Probably Won’t Get Rich Overnight
Can you walk out of a 6 hour shift with a few grand in your pocket? Absolutely, but that’s not the norm. Just like with any bartending or serving job, slow days are A Thing. The days my coworkers and I sat drinking whatever swill was featured on the discounted shot special menu and scrolling our Instagram waiting for some warm bodies to walk through the door far outnumbered the days we covered our rent with a few champagne rooms.
Your average earnings will also be dependent on where you’re working — a South Florida club in a notorious party town will absolutely net you more money than a shithole spot in West Detroit with missing lights on its marquee, simply because there’s more foot traffic and people generally spend more frivolously when they’re on vacation.
TLDR — You’ll be able to pay your bills and probably be able to afford a better standard of living than your non-sex worker peers, but you will need to learn how to budget and manage your money with the same diligent scrupulousness of a small business owner. Speaking of which —
4. You’ll Need To Learn How To Do Taxes Like A Small Business
Yes, most strippers pay taxes. Surprised? I was, too!
The promise of quick cash under the table is very attractive to the average ass-flasher and it’s theoretically possible to work at a club for years without reporting your income to the IRS (for legal reasons I don’t recommend doing this, but if you want to get audited once you get a more vanilla job, that’s on you, boo).
Once Upon A Time, allegedly, the only girls who actually filed were the ones who needed to prove their financial stability to a mortgage lender or a family court in a custody case, and everyone else just kept wads of cash stashed in their shoeboxes (I kept mine in my prison purse, since it’s more secure than any safety deposit box*).
Now, thanks to a handful of lawsuits, many clubs keep track of private dances using an electronic database and will issue you a 1099 like any other Independent Contractor situation. This means you’ll get bonked at the end of the year with a mountain of fees owed for the withholdings a W2 job automatically takes out of your check … unless you learn how to manage your money like a small business.
“Anything and everything is a tax write-off if you’re thinking as hard as you make me.” a wise regular who worked in corporate accounting once advised me.
Need a car and gas to get to work? Write off. So is your mileage to and from the club.
Nail salon and hair appointments? Write off.
Those cute (and expensive!) lil outfits? Write off.
Your Twitter Blue Subscription, if you use your account to promote your shifts? Write off.
Your already discounted dinner that you totally consumed while sitting with a customer and coercing a champagne room (*cough* business dinner *cough*) instead of scarfing down in the dressing room right before running onstage? Write off.
EVERYTHING IS A WRITE OFF.
3. The Top Earners Aren’t The Hottest Girls In The Club
Every club has a few intimidating, supermodel-hot honeys. One would assume that in a profession where looks absolutely matter that they’re far outearning their colleagues. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Sure, the Dime Pieces stack bills, but the friendly girl-next-door types who are willing to sit and chat with you over a drink before bringing up private dances consistently clean up considerable cash.
In sales terms, people buy from people they know, like, and trust. As a customer, you’re probably more likely to open your wallet for an approachable, average-looking lady you can talk to about your stressful job than a bored-looking supermodel who feels entitled to the contents of your wallet because they exist.
I wish I kept track of how many times a customer has slipped me a $20 or a $50 simply for being good company at their table, because that’d be some cool data. If you’ve ever done a study on this, I’d love to hear about your findings.
2. Climbing The Pole Is WAY Harder Than She’s Making It Look
It took me three months of consistent practice and innumerable pushups to be able to reach the ceiling at my first club job. Even with having an edge from doing dance and figure skating in my youth, I still had to WORK to figure out those fantastic flips.
There is an astonishing amount of athletic ability that goes into those dance routines, and every muscle in your body will be sore after a few sets. You will have painful chafing on the insides of your thighs and other appendages used to grip and hold. It’s no different from cheerleading or gymnastics in that respect, and the world-class dancers in non-club competitions have muscle definition that could make bodybuilders jealous.
There’s even talk of Pole Dance becoming an Olympic Sport.
1. Your Favorite Dancer Might Be Neurodivergent
The most surprising thing I discovered during my time at the club was many dancers have ADHD, Autism, or other conditions that make working vanilla jobs difficult, and they’ve found a safe haven in the adult industry. While they may have struggled in high-stress corporate environments, maintaining a healthier work-life balance is easier when you aren’t obligated to come in for a shift if you’re having a rough day. Dancing is also a great way to practice picking up on social cues, learn body language, and become more comfortable interacting with other people — things that can be difficult if your brain is wired differently than the general population.
It’s also a known fact that Autism presents differently in women, and being diagnosed later in life is a common experience for women on the spectrum.
In my case, I was walking around on this planet for a whole ass 26 years before a therapist I was seeing for depression/substance issues figured it out and gave me a questionnaire for funsies. I scored 6/10 and the wildest part was that nobody noticed sooner that the weird kid obsessed with cats and NASA, that devoured every book they could get their hands on, and stumbled through social situations by imitating female classmates they admired might possibly have something more going on than just being a little shy.
Dancing was nothing like what I expected it to be and one of the funnest jobs I’ve had to date. Thanks for spinning around with me today!
* This is an edgy joke. Money is DIRTY and you shouldn’t put it in your booty hole. In fact, don’t put anything in your booty hole unless it’s got a flared base and specifically designed to be in there unless you want to risk being featured in one of those ER Horror Stories Listicles.
* This article is for entertainment purposes only, I’m a dumb Internet Comedian who is barely qualified to talk about bootyholes, and nothing written here should be taken as financial or legal advice.
*This article is based on my personal experiences as a dancer, and this is a short disclaimer acknowledging that your experiences as a dancer may have been different and that’s totally chill, maybe write about it? Just don’t yell at me in the comments — I don’t read them anyways for mental health reasons and I honestly don’t give a shit if you think my article sucks. I wrote it because it’s the first long form thing I’ve written in almost a year and I wanted to yeet out some amusing internet word vomit today.
If you enjoyed this piece, please consider becoming a member of Medium — your membership helps pay writers like me AND YOU CAN START EARNING YOUR VERY OWN RESIDUAL INTERNET MONIES from publishing your own work on this site about literally whatever you feel like writing about once you become a member.
